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Tony Blair is such a ponce

Tony Blair, the war mongering ex-Prime Minister of the UK left power in 2007, converted to Catholicism and then went all religious on us. Employed now as the Middle East Quartet envoy (whatever that is), he now has time to re-think the results of the war he helped to start.

He said: "I do not pass a single day in which I do not reflect on this and think of the responsibility. I think these decisions are the most difficult you ever take, and you cannot and should not take them incidentally because you believe that you have some religious conviction that's superior to anyone else."

Hopefully, in the not too distant future Blair will have all the time he needs whilst he sits in prison as a convicted war criminal with his cell mate, Georgie W Bush sat next to him, having led their countries to war by presenting lies and deceit to their people about the Iraqi regime.

Sometimes I wish we had Islamic Sharia law

Okay, Islamic Sharia law is a bit mad sometimes but it does have its good points. Recently a Saudi man who was working in Iraq divorced his wife by SMS. Apparently he sent her the SMS with 'I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee' on it. Now wouldn't that be great, it would have saved me four years of heartache and, I am sure save many thousands of people in the UK £millions a year in legal fees.

Lawyers may not be too happy about it, nor would these wayward wives (who would face a good stoning as well) but us blokes would be all for it.

Pet Shop or Rescue Shelter Boys?

Ever noticed how do-gooders seem to think that just because they think something is a good cause, then everyone else should think so. Well there is a group called People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) that no-one will have heard of, they are nutters that believe ALL animals should have equal rights to humans.

Well their latest mad idea is that 80s pop group The Pet Shop Boys, who have been touring again, should change their name to a more 'creature friendly name'. They suggested the band should re-name themselves, 'Rescue Shelter Boys'.

"Most dogs and cats sold in pet shops are sourced from profit-hungry breeders who may have bred them in cramped, filthy conditions.  For every bird who reaches a pet shop, three others have died during capture, confinement and transportation. Hamsters, mice and other rodents are often bred by the pet shops themselves, leading to inbreeding, genetic weaknesses, physical deformities and behavioral disorders. By agreeing to change your name to the Rescue Shelter Boys, you would help raise awareness about the cruelty involved in the pet trade and encourage your millions of fans to consider giving a home to an abandoned or unwanted animal from an animal shelter. So, what do you say?"

Yawn...........what a bunch of dorks. As I am sure you can imagine, PSB told them to jog on!

Sack the beard

Apparently there is a show on the BBC called the Apprentice where someone I have never heard of called Sir Alan Sugar (got to admit that is a strange name) picks from a cast of various people which one will work for his firm. I am presuming his firm is quite good as lots of people seem to want to work for him.

Well there was a cock up yesterday when someone at the BBC inadvertently leaked online that a contestant called Majid Nagra (I had presumed that the show was for English people only, apparently not) had been sacked from the show but did so before it was aired officially on television. Apparently this ruined the show for the viewers.

What's it all about then, who really cares? Its television for Gods sack, its what the BBC wastes our annual TV Licence on. If this upsets people then I think they need to grow up. Why was he sacked? Well, even without watching the show I think by looking at the loser's photograph you will be able to guess. If by chance you cannot - the keywords are 'ridiculous' and 'beard'.

Great news for smokers - bad news for red meat eaters

It is not too often that smokers like me get good news but now we have it. People who eat the most red meat and the most processed meat have the highest overall risk of death from all causes, including heart disease and cancer, U.S. researchers reported on Monday.

Even when other factors were accounted for -- eating fresh fruits and vegetables, smoking, exercise, obesity -- the heaviest meat-eaters were more likely to die over the next 10 years than the people who ate the least amount of meat.

Due to media hype and pressure from nutter groups such as ASH, smoking is being classed as anti-social nowadays, it is heavily taxed in order to pay for supposed extra health care later in a smokers life, advertising is banned, you must be a certain age to buy tobacco products, you cannot smoke in public places and any product you buy has large public health warnings and even photographs of dying people on them.

My question is, when will red meat be treated the same? Age restrictions on buying or eating it, ban advertising such as McDonalds, stop people eating it in public places, put large health warnings on any red meat products and photographs of really fat, unhealthy people on the packaging. And of course, tax the red meat eaters like cigarette smokers are taxed.

When? Never thats when as it is not a vote winner and the wierdo vegetarian groups have no public support nor can they help win votes in elections.

Scientists say - ban cars

Exposure to traffic pollution could affect the development of babies in the womb, US researchers have warned. What this in effect means is that from the minute a woman finds out she is pregnant she needs to be whisked away to the countryside for 9 months in order to avoid traffic polution. There's not many dads that I know who would argue against this.

If you add to this the huge list of other things that are apparently bad for pregnant women: smoking, alcohol, hot tea, chocolate, certain fruit and vegetables, loud noises, altitude, confined spaces, etc etc etc, its not much fun being a pregnant woman is it? There again, they can look forward to 12 months off work after birth courtesy of my taxes so its not all a bad thing.

Maybe not so Quick

Metropolitan Police Assistant Commissioner Bob Quick is in trouble again. The last time the top cop hit the news was after he ordered the arrest of senior Tory MP Damian Green over alleged security leaks last year and in December, he apologised after accusing the Conservatives of involvement in newspaper stories about his wife's hire car business.

So what has the clown done now? Well one of his roles is as lead for counter-terrorism and for the Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO). Obviously he gets to see lots of juicy intelligence about what terrorists are doing in our country. Well yesterday he stupidly got himself photographed by journos walking into Downing Street with a bunch of papers clearly marked 'Secret' and apprently containing details of an operation against Al Quaeda suspects. Because of his idiocity, several operations against suspected terrorists had to be immediately brought forward and executed.

All is well though, as he is sorry for being a dork, a Scotland Yard spokesman said: "Assistant Commissioner Quick accepts he made a mistake on leaving a sensitive document on open view and deeply regrets it."

Roman Catholic Church employs lap dancers to boost congregations

38 year old Italian nun Anna Nobili is no ordinary nun, before donning the drab outfit of nunnery and promising God she would never have sex again she was a normal woman. Much more than this she was a lap dancer displaying her wares to all and sundry in the hope that punters would shove money into her g-string.

Now she has seen God and recognised the evil of her ways, she promises that she will never again strip off in front of an audience but she refuses to stop dancing. She is now using her talents in a rather different way - for what she calls "The Holy Dance" in a performance on Tuesday evening at the Holy Cross in Jerusalem Basilica in Rome, in front of senior Catholic clerics including Archbishop Gianfranco Ravasi, head of the Vatican's Cultural Department.

When she turned her back on a life of sleeze, Sister Nobili joined the order of nuns called the Working Lady Nuns of Nazareth House, and it is through them that she tours prisons and hospitals performing her modern Christian dance. She says the Church is very open to what she does and the male prisoners appreciate her dancing. When asked what she wears, Sister Nobili giggles and says 'My cassock, but what I wear under it is a secret unless you put enough money in my pocket for a private dance'.

US Government to be sued for supporting Bin Laden and the IRA

In 1991, President De Clerk of South Africa ended his country's system of Apartheid whereby blacks were separated in society from whites with different laws, rights and privileges. For those of you who cannot remember, when SA had apartheid, there was a UN ruling that the rest of the world was not to deal with the African nation in an endeavour to force the country to scrap its unfair system.

The majority of the world did ignore SA and refused to deal with it either politically or economically, however, there was a lot of behind the screens deals going on and many countries did operate with SA. Why did they do this? Well it was not because they agreed with apartheid or that they were racists themselves, it was the little matter that SA had an adundance of diamonds and other natural resources.

So it all ended 18 years ago, people have got on with their lives for nearly 2 decades, even Nelson Mandela the African Nationalist Party terrorist was legitimised as a politician and made it to 'Prez'. So what happens 18 years later?

US District Judge Shira Scheindlin in New York has allowed court actions against: IBM, Daimler, Ford, General Motors and Rheinmetall Group, the Swiss parent of an armaments maker. Aparently this is because these companies dealt with the SA government thereby allowing apartheid to continue.

The best explanation from the cuckoo judge is when he explains why IBM are on the list. They supplied computers to the SA Civil Service, therefore they knew their products were being used to help strip black South Africans of their rights. The judge disagreed with IBM's argument that it was not the company's place to tell clients how to use its products.

If this is the case, when are the 1000s of victims of Osama Bin Laden around the world going to be allowed to sue the US Government for supplying him with both training and arms prior to 9/11 and the 1000s of victims of the IRA given similar rights to sue to US government for recognising the IRA and offering support and financial assistance in their insurgence against the UK government?

Selfish 'mother' left children home alone and flew to Spain on holiday - spared jail

A Welsh woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons flew off to Spain, leaving her two children aged 10 and 14 home alone for a week was convicted today of exposing the girls to unnecessary suffering or injury to health at Rhondda Magistrates' Court but the limp Judge did not send her to prison. Her well thought out defence was that the kids were always moaning and she wanted to teach them a lesson.

Crap defence or not it worked. Apparently, in Wales your children have to die before you are punished. I suppose though that it makes life easier for other parents who are planning summer holidays, at least now they can dump their kids at home and not worry about the expense of childminders.

Obese Harry Potter star running drug cartel in London

Obese child actor Jamie Waylett (19) who plays Vincent Crabbe in the children's Harry Potter film series has been caught red handed in London whilst driving his car with 8 bags of cannabis on him. When his home was later raided, police found 10 full cannabis plants, worth around £2000 growing there. He and a friend were charged with possession and production of a Class B Controlled Drug.

I do have to say that I always thought he was a secret cake and sweet eater (I mean being only 19, how did he get so fat in so few years). Now I know he is a secret cannabis grower I suppose he has gone up a little in my estimation, at least he must have some form of personality rather than the bland, teenager he normally comes across as.

Foreign Animal Rapes and Kills British Woman

A Slovakian man, Marek Harcar (33) has been convicted of robbing, raping then killing Britsh woman Moira Jones (40) in a Glasgow park during May last year. This was not some date rape here, this was an animal attacking a decent woman going about her own business.

Moira had parked her car next to Queen's Park and was walking home when Harcar grabbed her then dragged her into the park where he brutally beat and raped her in a holly bush before draging her further into the park and murdering her. She was found the next day by a park worker having sustained 65 injuries.

This is yet another case in a string of violent sex attacks on British women by immigrants. What makes this one worse though is the fact that the Slovikian already had 13 previous convictions, 4 of which were for violence related offences.

Why was this man allowed into the UK? Once he was in why was he allowed to stay when he was committing such offences? Why does the government not deport these people as soon as it is obvious they are not prepared to live by our laws?

The result? An horrific and needless death to a young British woman. A minimum of 25 years high security prison charges whilst the animal lives in a British prison care of the British tax payer.

The UK government needs to sit down and have a good long look at its immigration policies. More people die a year in the UK at the hands of these foreign animals than they do of any Taliban or other Islamic terrorists on our soil. Priorities? No, they have got them all wrong, it is far more important to keep other EU countries happy that we are welcoming the scum of Europe into our once peaceful land.

Hugh Jackman is a traitor to Australia!!

Actor Hugh Jackman, known as Wolverine to his friends has really dropped himself in it this time. We are talking career ending stuff here. The Ozzy star keeps a Twitter going to let his fans know what he is doing with his life. Not a bad idea and it is pretty good of Jackman to do so.  The problem is, the star put an entry on his Twitter saying, "Having lunch on the harbor across from the Opera Center. Loving life!"

Well, the PC police got him on that one, Jackman spelt 'Harbour' the American way and refered to the Sydney Opera House as 'the Opera Center'. Erm, so what?

1. What loser spends his/her day reading Jackman's twitter - sounds a bit like a stalker to me.

2. Who cares how he spells harbor - there you go I just spelt it wrong!!!
3.  The area around Sydney Opera House is referred to by locals as 'the Opera Centre'
4. With what is happening in the world, did this really need to be 'breaking headlines'?

Chav Jade Goody wins 'ultimate posthumous award'

I know its the third story in as many weeks that I have done on Goody but her death, or rather the hype surrounding it is very funny. The latest episode in dead Jade Goody's life (or rather death) is that she has been accoladed with the 'ultimate posthumous award' (sic) befitting her chav station in life. Was it a Victoria Cross? No, a George Cross? No, maybe a Queen's Commendation for Valuable Service? No, maybe even an MBE? No.

She has been awarded the 'Ultimate Reality TV Star award' at the first ever Digital Spy Reality TV Awards. So if she was alive she could now call herself Jade Goody URTVS.

So what exactly is this award? Well, it is given to the person who is best at making a complete fool of themselves on television and then manages to follow up their poor performance by be-littling themselves by doing absolutely anything to keep themselves in the public eye.

It is a very, very sad state of affairs when 'awards' are made up for such chav losers and they have national headlines such as 'Jade Goody wins posthumous award' when there are British people fighting daily and being killed on a regular basis who receive no such accolade.

France declares war on the UK

Although the full story is not yet out, it would appear that three British managers are being held hostage at a glue factory in France by workers protesting over its closure.

There was a time this would be classed as an act of war and a few British gunships would be sent to pound Calais with their guns. Oh why oh why does time change so many things? The Royal Navy could do with a day out and the French fishermen could do with a good pounding.

Shock Horror - cheating in the world of 2nd League Football

Has anyone here ever heard of Accrington Stanley? Do you know where they play? Have they ever legitimately won a match?

Well, they have made the headlines now but not for winning, they've done it for cheating. Five of their players have been accused of gambling thousands of pounds on their team to lose. Personally, I would have thought it pretty short odds for them to lose so what can you win from a bet like that?

The betting scandal relates to Accrington Stanley's final game of the last League Two season at home to Bury. Four players then at Accrington - Jay Harris, David Mannix, Robert Williams and Peter Cavanagh - and Andrew Mangan, who was at Bury, have been charged. Both Harris and Cavanagh played in the game which ended 2-0 to Bury. Mannix is alleged to have placed stakes to the value of approximately £4,000; Mangan £3,500; Harris £2,000; Williams £1,000; and Cavanagh on a £5 accumulator.

Hardly a scandle that will rock the world now is it!!!

We all have bad days but this woman should have stayed at home

Having lived in Germany for the best part of my adult life I am aware of their love of safe driving - they have rules and regulations for literally everything to do with driving on the roads. Why do they have this? To avoid accidents thats why.

In view of this, imagine my surprise at reading of a German woman involved in three car accidents in less than an hour that left a total of seven vehicles damaged. Luckily for her, she suffered only slight injuries from the series of mishaps.

The 69-year-old woman from Berlin first crashed into three cars while trying to pull out of a supermarket car park on the Baltic resort island of Usedom. Then, she accidentally stepped on the accelerator and sped across a lawn before crashing into a nearby house, police said. She was taken to hospital in an ambulance but despite the odds against it, that vehicle was then hit by a truck.

"She was actually fortunate that no one was seriously hurt in any of the accidents," said Zinnowitz police spokesman Axel Falkenberg. "The accidents were a little bit like dominos toppling."

Maybe I will re-think my views on the standard of British drivers.

BNP go religious on us!

It has long been recognised that the Christian faith of the population of the UK has been in steep decline and being a newly appointed Reverend myself, faith is obviously close to my heart (just next to my pack of cigarettes and cool beer to be precise).

This is due to a number of reasons, the most notable being the amount of non-christian immigrants and the boredom of the youth of today with everything God - I mean you cannot play your PS3 in church without getting told off and threatened with eternal damnation.

So who will be the saviour of the British Church? Well, believe it or not, the British Nationalist Party (BNP) has championed the church in its latest election campaign. As a party it is worried about the Islamification of Britain, pointing to other European countries such as the Netherlands and France, which they say are rapidly losing their Christian identity. This is a fair argument and, as other political parties are terrified to even mention the word 'God' for fear of offending non-Christians then someone has to.

Their new election posters include a line from the gospels:

"If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you." Followed by the question: "What would Jesus do?" then the answer - "vote BNP".

As you may have guessed, the BNP is not very happy with the church at the moment as it (the church) recently banned any members from joining the BNP. The BNP's spokesman Simon Darby said: "It's something that the Church brought on themselves when they decided to interfere in the democratic process. If someone wants to take us on, they can expect the same in return."

You have to hand it to them, at least they have a sense of humour.

RBS to cut 9000 jobs

RBS (the bank recently given a present of £20 billion of my taxes) is cutting 9000 jobs due to its poor performance. Although not very good news for any of the 9000 that find themselves looking for work, it has been pretty inevitable for the past few months that there would be job cuts.

Predictably, the unions have spoken out against the move, "Unite is appalled that thousands of people, who form the backbone of the RBS operations, are to be made redundant. These employees are totally blameless for the current position which RBS is in, yet they are paying for the mistakes at the top of the bank."

That's a bit of an arse statement and if they sat down for five minutes and thought about it they would probably realise this. Problem: bank is losing money Part of the answer: cut expenses where you can. Hence reduce workforce! What is the alternative? Carry on as you are going, lose more money, go bankrupt and everyone lose their jobs.

In reality, the job losses are over 2 years with only about half of them in the UK, this together with natural turnover, fewer agency staff and voluntary redundancies will reduce the figure of those actually losing jobs dramatically. I think maybe it is time that these so called unions woke up and smelt the roses, life isn't quite as peachy as it once was and the strength of the unions is forever gone. Comrades, why not try to work with employers and make life easier for all rather than just spouting off typical leftist rubbish?

The Church of Spiritual Humanism

I know that I shouldn't go on the internet late at night when I am bored, I just find myself surfing rubbish web sites trying to find something interesting to read.

Well a site last night caught my eye and, despite the fact that I have made a promise to myself to ignore those sites after my money and offering me penis enlargements, super viagra boosted all night performance, hair growth etc, I fell foul of one last night.

With just a few easy keystrokes I became ordained as a member of the clergy of the The Church of Spiritual Humanism by R. A. Zorger, President of the church. That bit was free actually, all I had to do was fill in my details and hey presto, instant man of God. The best thing is that I can now put 'The Reverend' in front of my name.  Now that is cool.

Having done this, I really could not resist the offer of an ordination certificate (to hang in my toilet), blank wedding certificate (who can I marry? I know someone a bit hard up who is planning marrying his bird, I'll ask today if he wants my services), a wallet ordination ID card and information booklet, all for just $13.99 (via God's normal means of payment - Paypal!).

It is a shame that although I can now marry people, I cannot perform divorces, as well as helping myself, it would also have helped the vast majority of friends and acquaintences as it does seem to be the vogue thing to do at the moment.  I know none of this proves the world is going mad but it does tend to show that maybe I am. May God be with you my child :-)

Sir Michael Parkinson dares tell truth about Jade Goody

Sir Michael Parkinson, the much loved talk show host has publicly stated that Jade Goody, the TV reality star's career is nothing to be proud of and he is getting bad press because of it.

Okay, she died and the UK gutter press went on a crusade to bombard us all with every intricate detail of her private life and her unfortunate fight against cancer. Even I fell foul of the Goody bandwagon and reported her death here back in the heady days of March this year (see 22nd March).

So what was Sir Michael getting at? What exactly was Goody famous for before she lost all of her hair and found out she was dying? Erm, well she sat in a house full of social outcasts and allowed herself to be filmed, she swore a lot, she was definitely the worst kind of chav one could imagine, she was incredibly overweight (and kept getting photographed in bikinis if my memory serves me right) and, in essence, stood for everything that was bad about modern day 'cerebrities'. Basically, she was famous for being famous.

Sir Michael, well done for stating the obvious, though I doubt you have made many friends amongst the half wit celebrity community and idiotic population we find in the UK nowadays.

Bacon sandwiches DO cure hangovers - it's official

We all know that Saturday/ Sunday morning feeling, it is 11.30am, you have opened your eyes for the first time, you try to move your head and suddenly it feels like someone is hitting it with a big hammer.

The excesses of alcohol are known to most of us, as well as hangovers bad enough to kill a small person there are also the associated side effects such as waking up financialy broke for the rest of the week, waking up with your arm draped around a woman that resembles your hairy chinned Auntie Thelma and with those unexplained facial injuries that for the life of you, you cannot remember how you got them.

Scientists have now confirmed that a good old, greasy bacon sandwich does actually cure all of this. Well, when I say all, I mean the hangover bit, the rest of it is up to you!

For years we have been rolling out of our beds, stumbling downstairs, chucking the frying pan on and filling it with the good old Danishhhhh bacon in the knowledge that it was really bad for us but we didn't care because it tasted and smelt good. A sort of comfort food.

Elin Roberts, science development manager at the Centre for Life in Newcastle, explains how a bacon butty does work as a hangover cure: “Food doesn’t soak up the alcohol, but it does increase your metabolism – helping you to deal with the after-effects of over-indulgence. So food will often help you feel better. Bread is high in carbohydrates and bacon is full of protein, which breaks down into amino acids. Your body needs these amino acids, so eating them will make you feel good. Bingeing on alcohol depletes neurotransmitters too, but bacon contains a high level of amines which tops these up, giving you a clearer head.”

There you go, scientific proof that a bacon butty works!

Abdullah - the 11 year old suicide bomber

There is talk in some quarters that the West is not winning the war in Afghanistan. Well, with the recent arrest of an 11 year old terrorist boy known only as Abdullah then it would tend to suggest that we are doing okay. Any organisation that would train and contemplate using such a young child as a suicide bomber has lost.

Little Abdullah was lucky amongst the children of Afghanistan as he had been taken in by a school in order to be educated. However, unlike 11 year old boys in the UK, this school didn't teach him geography, history, maths, etc, it taught him the koran, taught him how to strip and re-assemble the AK47 and pistols, and taught him how foreigners were coming to his land killing men, women and children.

Abdullah claims to be a normal child, 'I like playing football with my friends, listening to Take That and Amy Winehouse on my iPod and I like to watch the TV, especially Hollyoaks because of all the fit chics', he said with a wry grin. 'One day, if I do not blow up first, I want to be a taxi driver in London in one of those yellow cabs'.

The Taliban really need a good talking to. There have been child labour laws in existance for a long time which prohibit using children as young as 11 in employment of this nature. Okay, if they want to start some form of 'Taliban Cadet Force' they may get some form of sponsorship from various child charities but they would probably make them promise that they won't use the kids as suicide bombers until they are at least 16.

Men prefer gaming to sex - apparently!!!

An online PS3 site recently conducted a poll and questioned 'men' as to how much they enjoyed gaming.

32% would rather play video games than have sex with their partner and 72% would skip a night sleeping with their partner to play a new game.

I do hope it was mainly under 14s who took part in the poll.

How stupid are Italians?

So what exactly are Italians good at? Well, okay they make good pizza, quite nice shoes, passable red wine, have quite good looking chics and are pretty good at playing gangster roles in Hollywood films. One thing they are not very good at is listening to their own home grown experts.

Yesterday, more than 100 people were killed and hundreds more were injured after a powerful earthquake rocked central Italy. A Civil Protection Agency spokesman said 50,000 people may have been left homeless by the quake which measured 6.3 on the Richter scale. "Some towns in the area have been virtually destroyed in their entirety," speaker of Italy's lower house of parliament, Gianfranco Fini, said.

How can one predict such a harsh force of nature. Wouldn't it have been nice if someone could have said, say a month ago that this quake was coming so people could have been prepared for it?

Well actually, it was predicted and not by some toothless old hag claiming to be able to see the future and read people's minds but by an Italian seismologist Giacchino Giuliani from the National Institute of Astrophysics. He warned everyone that there was going to be a massive quake in L'Aquila and that the area should be evacuated.

What did the Italians do with this knowledge? The mayor of L'Aquila was infuriated with the claims and reported the scientist to the police for spreading panic, forcing him to remove his findings from the internet.

Mr Mayor, who feels stupid now then?

Brave German breaks endurance world record

Think of Germany and Germans and very little of an interesting nature will spring to mind. Granted, they drink beer, they eat potato salad, wear leather shorts (okay, okay that is a bit out of the ordinary outside a gay club) and they listen to terrible music.

So why does it surprise me that a local DJ Dominik Schollmayer (26) from Hit Radio Antenne in Hanover has made the news today by presenting a radio show for a whole 24 hours. I mean, so what. He managed to sit in a nice warm studio, play a new track every 4 - 5 minutes, occasionally spout some irrelevant rubbish and suddenly he is news.

Apparently a doctor was there in case he was needed and the DJ was allowed a 5 minute break every hour (a break from what exactly). It was reported that toward the end of the show he went quite mad through sleep deprivation - come on, it was only a 24 hour show, I've been on drinking sprees longer than that.

Sack Claire Balding - how dare she state the obvious!!!

Liam Treadwell rode an excellent race last Saturday at the Grand National winning on his 100-1 horse Mon Mome. I am sure there were an awful lot of happy punters across the country who had placed a tenner on the horse just in case.

Race fans are now calling for the sacking of BBC presenter Claire Balding after she took the pi** out of Treadwell because of his horse like teeth. Apparently, during an interview with the jockey she told him to, “Give us a big grin to the camera,” and when he smiled but kept his mouth closed, she added: “No, no – let us see your teeth.”

When the shy jockey obeyed, Clare continued: “He hasn’t got the best teeth in the world but you can afford to go and get them done now if you like.” When asked afterwards if he was offended, Treadwell said that he took it in jest. "I wasn’t offended or annoyed. Clare apologised to me afterwards so there are no hard feelings there.”

His proud fiancée Emily Warner, 19, said: “I love him whatever Clare Balding says, especially now he has the £50,000 prize money to spend on shoes, clothes and jewellery for me".

You watch, the media hype will gear up and Claire Balding will be made to apologise for a comment that I am sure everyone in the UK was thinking anyway. Are people so soft nowadays that we can only say nice things to them and ignore the obvious? Personally, I think that with teeth like that he should have a nickname like 'Red Rum' or something but I won't say so just in case someone reading it is incensed and I am made to apologise on National Television.

UPDATE:  Yes I guessed right, the BBC has just apologised to the jockey for the 'insult' that he wasn't in the slightest bit worried about!!!

Woman who bit off boyfriend's tongue gets 3 years in jail

Tracy Davies, 40, a 'recovering' alcoholic from Newcastle met 44 year old Mark Coghill through an online dating site and they struck up a relationship. As you can see from the photograph, she was quite a catch!!

Everything seemed to be going alright for the couple until Coghill's 45th birthday when the couple celebrated by sinking two bottles of Vodka between them. After drinking enough alcohol to kill a normal person, Davies began to get upset because she wanted a child but wasn't pregnant (yes, people like her are still permitted to breed in the UK). Davies took Coghill in her ample arms and began a long, lingering, loving kiss. All of a sudden she started chewing on his tongue, literally and in a manner described as 'just like Mike Tyson', she bit Coghill's tongue off.

Coghill described their loving embrace to the court, and how she suddenly turned into a "massive monster", he described her biting down hard on his tongue after she lured him into putting it in her mouth. He screamed in pain and tapped her on the head in a bid to make her release him. Instead she chewed through his tongue, and spat it out on the floor.

During the trial, Mr Coghill told the court how he tried to fight Davies off, but her teeth remained clamped to his tongue. "I couldn't kick her off, or push her away or anything like that. I was just hoping and praying she would stop," Mr Coghill told the court. "Then when she did stop, she opened her mouth, and looked at me in such a way that I have never seen anyone do before. She opened her mouth, and my tongue was in her mouth. She let out a satisfaction sound, like if you have a cup of tea when you haven't had one for a few days. An mmmm sound."

Sentencing her, Judge John Evans said Davies had acted in an "animal fashion" and adding that Mr Coghill's injury was "truly appalling".

Children in Edlington half kill two other children! Mad!!

Like most 'older' people, I often read the news and wonder if the world has gone mad. The latest story of violence in the UK has to take the biscuit though. On Saturday, two small children in Edlington, South Yorkshire, aged 10 and 11 apparently attacked another two boys, aged 9 and 11 with a knife and bricks.

One boy, the 9 year old was found walking around the town in a dazed state having been beaten with the bricks and stabbed. He was immediately rushed to hospital after telling police where his friend was. The 11 year old was found unconscious at the bottom of a ravine with severe head injuries. He was airlifted to hospital where his condition was described as critical but stable.

So what will happen to the two children that did this? Social services will get involved and write numerous reports on them and their families. The blame will be transferred to their parents, maybe even their teachers but will anything really happen to them? We can all remember what happened to poor Jamie Bulger in 1993. Maybe people need to be held to account for the actions of their tearaway children.

Pet dog falls off boat and survives 4 months alone on desert island

Sophie Tucker (yep, a strange name for a dog), an Australian Cattle Dog fell off her owner's boat last November whilst sailing through the rough seas off the North East Queensland coast, Australia. Jan Griffith and the rest of her family were devastated, believing the dog had drowned.

Imagine their surprise when four months later Sophie Tucker was found living alone on St Bees Island, an uninhabited island some 5 nautical miles from where she had fallen overboard.

It would appear that the family pet easily reverted back to its 'wild state' and lived off baby feral goats for the four months it was alone. Griffith was happy to see the dog, "She surprised us all. She was a house dog and look what she's done, she's swum over five nautical miles, she's managed to live off the land all on her own," Griffiths said. "We wish she could talk, we truly do."

Passport required to travel from Portsmouth to the Isle of Wight

Yes, you read it right. This mad law making government is passing yet more legislation to stop Osama Bin Laden sneaking his way around the UK.

In future you will need to carry recognised photo ID (passport, driving licence or ID card), provide your name, address and date of birth any time you purchase a ticket to travel within the UK, whether that be by ferry, plane or train. Just think how many different databases there will be in ticket agencies, travel agents and airlines just waiting to be lost or sold to those who would misuse the information.

My only question is, what on earth will this achieve apart from yet more delays in travel?

Minister Hoon squeezes hard up tax payers for free money and housing

It seems to be a daily occurence at the moment, opening the newspaper and reading about yet another government minister fiddling or squeezing as much as possible out of the honest taxpayer. Former Defence Secretary Geoffrey Hoon, now Transport Secretary in Gordon Brown's laughable Government is the latest money grabbing snake to be uncovered.

For a period of 3 1/2 years Hoon lived rent free in the central London plush Admiralty House (once the home of Winston Churchill). Living in Admiralty House gave Hoon the opportunity to rent out his own London home (why couldn't he live in that?) and make good money on it and, at the same time claim over £70000 for a second home in his constituency of Derby.

That is mad!! To top it all off, when he moved jobs and lost his free 5 star accommodation, Hoon bought a new £635000 London home, changed his main residence address just so the tax payer could pay his mortgage - and provide a home to one of his sons. Hoon's own property portfolio is estimated to be worth £1.3 million - does he really need our money to subsidise his life style?

If this could be worse then how about the new tax law passed by MPs where they totally avoid paying taxes on their over generous allowances. If it wasn't true it really would be a joke.

When will this government learn? This looks even worse than usual with so many honest, hard working people losing their homes during the credit crunch!! Maybe they should tighten their own belts and try to survive on their pop star wages!

Credit Crunch? Obviously not in Hong Kong

Some Asian bloke in Hong Kong has just paid US$62000 for a 6 litre bottle of 1961 Chateau Latour (a bottle of red wine to the rest of us). Well, all I can say to that is that if this is what Asians are blowing their money on during the worst financial crisis in decades then the crisis has not hit Asia yet.

Either way that is a lot of money. I was in my local supermarket the other day and you can buy a nice drinkable bottle of a litre of red for EUR2.99, multiply that by 6 and you can get the same quantity of good wine for EUR11. 94. I wonder if I can ask Sotherby's for the Asian blokes telephone number, I could do him a good deal or two.

Yet Another Maddie McCann Appeal

Madeline McCann was a little 4 year old girl who 'went missing' in a resort in Portugal two years ago. Channel 4 in the UK is going to run a reconstruction to see if it can jog people's memories.

All this is due to her parents constant plugging about Maddie, internet sites, world wide newspaper appeals, posters throughout Europe etc in order to try to find their child, or possibly to divert attention from themselves!!

The night Maddie allegedly 'went missing', the McCanns were out with friends getting drunk having left their children alone and unsupervised in their holiday apartment. Somehow neither the Portugese or UK authorities deemed it appropiate to charge either of these idiots with any child neglect offences.

Also, neither country has deemed it appropiate to arrest either of the moron McCanns despite their dodgy as hell cover stories for how the little girl 'went missing'. Personally, I think if we ever want to find Maddie, we have to look a little closer to home!!

UK Woman Glues Her Eye Shut

Some people do really stupid things but this one has to be somewhere close to the top of the list of stupid things that you can do.

29 year old Paula Griffin from Bournemouth stupidly mistook a bottle of toxic nail glue for eye drops, put her head back and squirted the glue over one of her open eyes. As she is the first reported person to do this then it cannot be an easy thing to do. Apparently she may have caused permanent damage to her eyesight.

My question is: why would someone buy nail glue? Who wants to glue their nails together never mind their eyes?

Roman Catholic church to ban hotpants

Priests in the UK have been ordered by the upper echelons of the Roman Catholic Church to cease their habit of greeting worshipers at their morning services with a 'good morning'. Apparently they are afraid that such a greeting is too informal and do not want religious ceremonies to turn into a cabaret show.

A church spokeman said, "The fear is that if some guidance is not given and general decisions are not put down, the interpretation of the liturgy leads to unsuitable things, like strobe lights and girls in hotpants. The aim of the new translation is to bring more dignity to the service."

Erm, I fancy the idea of hotpants myself, you never know, it may bring a bit of life to the dull, morose services and actually attract people to the church.

German hotel beats Easyjet baggage policy

What is one of the worst things about going on holiday? Well personally I think it is having to pack all of those clothes, you know, the hours spent deciding what to take. This pastime has not been made any easier by the budget airlines that now charge per item of baggage, thereby further restricing what you can take.

The ingenious Germans have come up with an answer to this problem. A hotel, the Hotel Rosengarten, in the aptly named Black Forest town of Freudenstadt (“Town of Joys”), has become Germany's first totally nudist hotel where absolutely no clothing is allowed.

House rules are that the one thing guests must ensure is that they place towels down on furniture (including of course the sun beds) before they sit or lie down.

UK Terror Suspects on State Benefits

The UK is world renouned for giving money away to all and sundry as far as benefits are concerned but this takes the biscuit. Apparently there are 23 terror suspects, currently under Government control orders who are claiming 'job seeker' allowances.

The Job Seeker allowance is paid to people who are capable of, and actively seeking work. Control orders restrict a person's movements to the point were they can effectively be placed under house arrest.

So what job can a person under house arrest do and, if they can't work, how can they claim job seeker allowances?

Just more of the author's hard earned taxes being given away to the unworthy! Grrrr

Pilot Prays While Plane Crashes and Kills 16

On a scale of 1 to 10, just how stupid was this pilot?

A Muslim Tunisian pilot who paused to pray instead of taking emergency measures before crash-landing his plane, killing 16 people, has been sentenced to 10 years in jail by an Italian court along with his co-pilot.

The 2005 crash at sea off Sicily left survivors swimming for their lives, some clinging to a piece of the fuselage that remained floating after the ATR turbo-prop aircraft splintered upon impact.

A fuel-gauge malfunction was partly to blame but prosecutors also said the pilot succumbed to panic, praying out loud instead of following emergency procedures and then opting to crash-land the plane instead trying to reach a nearby airport.

Google Maps - an excellent stalking tool

Google maps is brilliant. I do not know if you have tried it but is is an excellent stalking tool and I am sure that burglars the world over thank their lucky stars that some poor bloke has to drive every street in the world just so we can look at where we live when we are bored.

Well, not everywhere apparently. The residents of Broughton, Buckinghamshire spotted the Google car and blocked it from filming their roads. When the police arrived the car drove off. They reckon that having their streets online is an invasion of their privacy and would attract burglars (they have already had 6 burglaries in the past few months - a figure London can boast every few minutes!).

Not so says Google, "Before launching Street View we sought the guidance and approval of the Information Commissioner's Office. The ICO has repeatedly made clear that it believes that Street View includes the safeguards necessary to protect people's privacy," said a Google spokesman.

I don't know what the fuss is all about. It's totally harmless!! I often Google my ex's addresses just to see if I can see them sunbathing in their gardens.

Italians as ignorant and over inflated as ever

Italy has hardly been a world power since the times of Ceasar so where does Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi get off talking on his mobile telephone during a photo session for NATO world leaders? He turned his back on Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel (I don't think it is the first time Italy has turned it's back on Germany) and ignored the others, including Liar-bore's Gordie Brown and the new US President Alabama or whatever his name is. The call continued for over 8 minutes and even went on during the brass band that was there to welcome them all.

Italians ignorant? Never........ In the end the photograph went ahead without the ignoramous.

So what was he talking about that was so important? According to Italy's ANSA news agency, the Italian leader was ordering in a salami and cheese pizza and some cheap red wine for his private feast that evening.

Now if NATO was wondering where to dump it's nuclear arsenal now it's not needed, despite loving pasta, I have a suggestion.

Daud Abdullah of the Muslim Council of Britain advocates attacks on British Forces

Dr Daud Abdullah, deputy secretary-general of the Muslim Council of Britain (MCB) is (cough) British. So where does he get off condoning attacks on British military personel? There was a time when such inflamatory outbursts would have resulted in a short B&B stay at the Tower of London followed by some public entertainment.

Quite rightly, after Abdullah condoned the attacks, Communities Secretary Hazel Blears broke off all official communication between the government and MCB. But is this enough? Do his words not incite racial hatred? I know the law was designed to 'protect' minorities in the UK but why can it not be used to protect the majority of us?

Abdullah was one of 90 Islamic leaders protesting against foreign powers blockading the transportation of ams to Gaza. The document, signed in the wake of the recent conflict in Gaza, reportedly said: "The obligation of the Islamic Nation (is) to regard the sending of foreign warships into Muslim waters, claiming to control the borders and prevent the smuggling of arms to Gaza, as a declaration of war, a new occupation, sinful aggression. This must be rejected and fought by all means and ways."

I would like Abdullah to be called to publicly explain his undestanding of the document, in particular which foreign powers and what 'by all means and ways' means. If he will not do this then he should either distance himself from it or, maybe pack his bags and move to Palastine.

Little and Large get engaged

Isn't it funny when huge girls date tiny blokes. Freak model Sophie Dahl, over 6 ft tall has got engaged to her boyfriend of 2 years jazz dwarf Jamie Cullum who is only 5'6. Sophie was quoted as saying that she loved dating Jamie as she could buy his clothes VAT free from the childrens' section.

It is also mooted that Cullum is being head hunted to play Frodo Baggins in a new West End musical.

At Last - sense in Malawi

Poor old Mad-donna has had her application to adopt yet another fashion accessory turned down by a Malawi judge. Come on, is this really a surprise? She is 50 years old, a previous divorcee going though yet another divorce. Where is the stable, normal environment in which to bring up a child?

Why on earth would any sane judge give away a child like a homeless puppy to some Yank? Last time she bought a child in in Malawi she was accused of kidnapping by some human rights groups.

If Mad-donna wants to help the orphans of Malawi there are many other ways she could do it rather than whisking the chosen few off to the other side of the world away from their family, friends and culture.

McDonald's or McDragan's? You choose

McDonald's have shown their lack of a sense of humour in Sweden. A new strip club called McDragan's has opened in the town of Edsvaera, southwestern Sweden displaying a large sign of a red 'M' with nipples on top. McDonald's say it is an infringement on their copyrighted Golden Arches sign.

So now McDonald's own the letter 'M' do they? Personally, I know which Maccy D's I would rather go to and it doesn't sell burgers!! Either way, the thought of Swedish strippers is much nicer than a burnt out, dry quarter pounder!

Time for a re-think at the right to bear Arms in the Mad USA

On a serious note!!! Just what are they putting in the water in America? Yesterday, some 42 year old bloke walked into an immigration centre in Binghampton, NY State and shot dead 13 people and wounded many more.

Last Sunday some bloke burst into a North Carolina Old People's nursing home shooting 8 dead. Earlier last month in Alabama, a man shot 10 people dead (including his wife which may count a little as mitigation). In December, in Calafornia, a man dressed as Santa burst into his ex-wife's home shooting 9 people dead. If you cast your mind back just 12 months, 32 people were shot dead by a student in Virginia.

I could go on but I think that makes the point. Just how long are these crazy in-breds across the ocean going to stick with their dated Constitution. I mean, this is the modern world and they are relying upon a document penned by a bunch of anti-British terrorists (for in reality that is what they were) in September 1787.

The line in this document that gets me is as follows: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. Well, I can understand the need for that back in 1787 but looking at the death toll above shows what happens when you allow the total morons that populate that idiotic country to purchase weapons, not just sporting or hunting weapons, ANY weapon!!

What a totally mad and outdated country that USA is.

Jamie Oliver - what a total Prat

Jamie Oliver, somehow famous for being able to cook and his wife Jools have named their new baby Petal Blossom Rainbow. She will live with their two other children, Poppy Honey, 7, and Daisy Boo, 5.

What a complete pair of chav prats.....

If Muslims smoke then they are worse than cows??

I know following recent shifts in law that the UK has become anti-smoking (if you are not aware, the only place you can legally smoke in the UK nowadays is on the roof of your own house), however, Malaya has taken a rather more stringent stance on the subject of smoking.

Muslim cleric and politician Nik Aziz, the spiritual leader of the country's Pan-Islamic Party (PAS) recently said that Muslims that smoked were more despicable than cows.

"...a cow which defecates in the middle of the road, (we) cannot take legal action against it because it has no brain and cannot think, but human beings, who have brains, for them to do something which is wrong in religion ... when they are in an attire which symbolises Islam, they can be regarded as being more despicable than cows,"

Erm Nik, a cow, despicable? Obviously you have not been to McDonald's lately or chucked a nice big steak on the BBQ. Cows are lovely creatures, especially when cooked well.

As far as smoking goes, I think that your religion has a little more to worry about at the moment than people smoking. Yes, smoking is banned by Islam but so is strapping a few kilos of explosives to your body and detonating it in crowded places. Personally, I would sort this aspect of your religion out first.